Infidelity: What It Is and How To Deal With It

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Infidelity: What It Is and How To Deal With It

written by Relationship Coaches

RCI Coach Ann Robbins has experienced the trauma and devastation of infidelity first hand. Although her marriage did not survive it, she learned how to use her experiences to help others. Today, Ann is happily remarried. Tara Kachaturoff interviews Ann.

Tara Kachaturoff: Infidelity is a common topic in the news — usually making headlines because of its association with celebrities. However, this isn’t a problem for the rich and famous, but instead is something that has touched and will touch the lives of many men and women. How common do you think this is?

Tara Kachaturoff

Ann Robbins: Recently we’ve seen what feels like an epidemic of infidelity in the news. Many high profile celebrities and politicians are making headlines due to their marital sidebar shenanigans — everyone from the former governor of New York to golf’s golden legend.

Americans hold marriage as sacred, and along with that is supposed to come fidelity. When the marriage vows are discarded and infidelity occurs, it cuts into our value system in a devastating way. Research studies done in the 1990s tell us that as much as 50% of both men and women cheat – however more recent studies, such as clinical studies and others done into the year 2000 suggest much lower numbers.

It is not clear if we can rely on these statistics. Some studies done in complete privacy with assured anonymity suggest the 50% number is more accurate whereas other studies, done where privacy is not assured, indicate a lower percentage. Regardless, we know infidelity is occurring at a rate that doesn’t seem to be slowing down. And according to US News & World Report, a full 99% of Americans expect their spouse to be faithful. And the majority of Americans (80%) say infidelity is “always wrong.”

Tara: Why do men and women have affairs?

Ann: There is no single reason why men and women have affairs. Most people who engage in extramarital affairs are either drawn to something, or they’re trying to get away from something. Typically, there are a myriad of reasons, and some of the reasons can stem from psychological roots that go back to childhood. Being raised in a household where infidelity was present, attitudes toward the opposite sex, relationship with parents – all these things can contribute.

Often the reasons behind the affairs are sex, entitlement, lust, ego, boredom, loneliness, need for validation, need to feel desirable or knowing “I’ve still got it.” Some people are drawn to risk, excitement and the curiosity. Others are power seekers, with a feeling the rules don’t apply to them. Still others are trying to escape a painful or emotionally dead relationship. And we’ve seen how Hollywood places glamour and romance on affairs.

Bottom line – there is no one reason, but one of the most common reasons is, “My partner just doesn’t listen. My lover does.”

Tara: Are there any early warning signs or red flags that you might be dating, committed, or married to someone who would be more inclined to have an affair?

Ann: One of the best ways to determine if you’re with someone who is inclined to have an affair is to examine their relationship history and patterns. History does tend to repeat itself, and your current relationship may be no exception.

Learn as much as you can about your date/mate’s history by asking questions, evaluating the answers, and by having an open and frank discussion about your relationship requirements ahead of time. It is always best to have the infidelity discussion when there is no reason to – other than to learn your partner’s attitudes and beliefs.

If you’re already in a committed relationship, the number one red flag is a change in physical appearance. Is your partner suddenly getting a makeover? Are they more concerned about their physical appearance than before? Are they spending time and money on things like a personal trainer, new clothes, or a new hair style? This is a tip off that they’re trying something new.

Another red flag, and an obvious one, is the “something has changed and I don’t know what it is” feeling. Your partner may be emotionally disconnected from you, or be overcompensating to lower the risk of suspicion. Changes in day-to-day behavior, the quantity and quality of your sexual relationship, schedule, work habits and hours – all these are clues. And finally, there’s technology. Is your partner suddenly overly attached to their computer or cell phone?

Tara: If you suspect your lover or spouse of having an affair, what should you do?

Ann: Most people begin in denial and move quickly to snooping. This is agonizing and destructive because if you do catch your partner, it’s enormously painful and devastating to say the least. And if you don’t catch them, you continue with suspicion and emotional turmoil.

The best way to find out is to ask. Many will argue, “Well if he/she is cheating, they’re comfortable lying to me – so why would they tell me the truth if I ask?” Surprisingly, it helps. It at least begins the dialogue, and if your partner is cheating, he or she will know you’re onto something. If they deny it, watch for changes in behavior once you’ve asked the question. Ultimately you will learn the truth if you ask, pay attention, and look for clues.

If you learn they’re not cheating, hopefully your suspicion has created dialogue that helps your partner understand why you felt you were seeing warning signs and he/she can work with you to resolve the disconnect. And, hopefully you haven’t been snooping because now your partner will have trust issues of their own.

Tara: Can relationships really survive an affair? If so, how? How do you rebuild trust? Relationships can survive an affair, but it’s a long, uphill climb. Finding and rebuilding the trust that has been lost is number one. For many, once that trust is broken it cannot be restored. A client of mine referred to it this way, “It’s like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube – it simply isn’t going to happen.” It takes time, patience, and a willingness of both parties to move on and work toward restoration.

Ann: As a couple, you must first decide if you want to survive the affair. Is what you have together worth saving? If so, you have to save it together.

For the cheating partner, acknowledgement and accountability along with sincere promise of love, fidelity and a willingness to seek counseling, therapy, or coaching is required. Is he/she taking responsibility for the affair? If so, there’s hope. If the cheating partner is placing blame, justifying their actions, or acting like it’s no big deal, there may be so much toothpaste all over the counter that the tube is empty.

For the cheated partner, although it’s very difficult, they must try to be open, understanding, and rid themselves of negativity. Shock, anger, sadness and depression are all common reactions. Although it’s very difficult to do, forgiveness is important, but forgiveness may never occur. Understanding the “why” usually comes first, but the big question of “how could he/she do this to me” often lingers. Going it alone can be a recipe for disaster. Couples coaching or even therapy is often needed.

Tara: Is there anything couples can do to affair-proof their relationship?

Ann: As a coach, I see a wide variety of relationships. What I’ve noted is that the best relationships are truly partnerships. They are built on mutual respect, understanding, and a willingness to openly communicate and share responsibility for the relationship. Neither party is entitled. Neither party is solely responsible for the relationship. It is up to the partnership.

Couples who “get it” usually actively work at keeping the relationship strong. They keep romance alive, plan time together, and avoid the things they know cause their partner stress or unhappiness. Little things like planning a date night at least once a week can make a big difference. It keeps the connection going.

Additionally, learning how to negotiate differences is key. You will have times you disagree, or don’t like what your partner is doing. Learn how to express your feelings while being open to listening to your partner. And fight fair. Remember, you have one mouth and two ears, and this is the proportion to which you should use them.

Often, affairs are pursued due to the excitement or stimulation the affair provides. So be sure your relationship doesn’t go stale. Keep it exciting and stimulating. Look for ways to learn and grow together. Try something new, join a club together, or take those couples dancing lessons you’re always talking about.

Bottom line: no relationship is affair proof. But the best relationships are founded on partnerships. Nurture your relationship as you would a precious child. Allow it to grow and evolve, and treat it with kindness, love and respect. Learn how to communicate. And listen.

Ann Robbins is founder and president of “LifeWorks Matchmaking”, a professional matchmaking and relationship coaching firm. She is a Certified Professional Matchmaker, a member of the Professional Matchmaking Network through the Matchmaking Institute of New York and a professional Relationship Coach through the Relationship Coaching Institute.