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Dear Coaches,

What are the best types of gifts to give to someone you’re dating – when you want to indicate you like them, but you’re not quite ready to say, “I love you”? Do you have any advice when it comes to giving gifts, especially when it’s early in the relationship and you happen to be dating during the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, etc.)? Are there any types of gifts that we single men and women should avoid giving to our dates?

Singles Everywhere

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Jerald responds …

A great gift for a friend who is “special, but not spousal,” at least not yet, is (drum roll please) a book! Wait. Wait. Wait! Please, hear me out. This is a very special book. And, here is the good part – you control the message it sends.

The gift consists of two parts: (1) a book on a topic that your friend is passionate about, that (2) contains a personal inscription by you that controls the level of intimacy intended. To communicate continued interest in the relationship, while keeping the relationship “at arm’s length,” give a book on a topic about which your friend is passionate, but you’re not.

A book demonstrates interest in and respect for what is uniquely theirs. The inscription should communicate your positive reactions to your friend’s passion. Sign it with your first name.
For example, an inscription in a book about ballet, your friend’s passion, might read, “I enjoy watching you dance. – Jerry.”

To communicate a desire to be closer than a full arm’s length, give a book on a topic both of you are passionate about. The inscription should include your positive reactions for sharing your common interest. For jogging enthusiasts, an inscription on a jogging book might read, “I look forward to going running with you. – Melissa.”

In both cases, focus the inscription on the book’s topic, your friend’s interest, not on your friend or your relationship. Save that for when you move into a committed relationship. Have fun giving it!

Jerald Young, Ph.D. | www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com | 917.865.2710

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Robynn responds …

Gift giving can be challenging, especially in the beginning stages of a possible love connection. You want to acknowledge your new interest as someone special, but you want to give a gift that is appropriate for the stage of your relationship.

When choosing a gift, think about how a person may feel when receiving it. Be aware of the message that a gift which is too expensive or too personal may send. You want your romantic interest to feel gratitude and appreciation, not obligated or pressured about where the relationship may be going.

The holiday season is just around the corner so here are three tips in gift giving to a potential love interest. You want to give a gift that…

• May remind them of a time you spent together
• Can be enjoyed at their leisure; or
• Is related to their favorite interest or hobby

Finding the right gift may require a little creativity, thought and effort. Remember, listen and learn about what your potential partner may like or dislike. This is another part of the “getting to know you process” and will provide you greater insight as to whether this is the right relationship for you.

Robynn Thomas, CLC | www.robynnthomas.com

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Randy responds …

I’m going to answer from the opposite perspective, namely “What types of gifts would I appreciate receiving during the early stages of a relationship?”

The main advice is to be wary of expensive gifts. In the early stages of dating, “less is more” because getting an expensive gift, or even a dozen roses, often indicates infatuation, insecurity, or a desire to impress based on internal needs as opposed to the reality of the relationship. Absolutely do not interpret an expensive gift as a sign of true love. A better option would be a creative gift or something inexpensive, but meaningful, or something that shows you have observed what the other person likes.

However, if you receive an expensive gift, be careful not to rule out the person who gave it to you. They may also not know what to do and so choose to err on the expensive side. My message here is to not get sucked in by an expensive gift, but don’t discount the person either.

The bottom line is that gifts are relatively unimportant in the scheme of things. What counts is whether there are good feelings together and whether each person treats the other well. Time and observation are the keys, and the smallest of gifts that simply show “I am thinking about you” should be sufficient.

Randy Hurlburt | www.partnersinloveandcrime.com | 858.455.0799

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Dr. Dar responds …

Gift giving can be a conundrum when wanting to acknowledge your date early on in the relationship — especially during the holidays. Giving jewelry at this stage in the relationship is something I don’t recommend because of what it represents. For example, a ring, even if it is a friendship ring, represents a deeper commitment.

Here are some gift-giving ideas for men and women:

• flowers are great even if you are a man receiving them
• a box of favorite candy or chocolate
• an invitation for another date where you plan to go to a concert or play
• movie tickets or a gift of some movie rentals
• a CD of their favorite music
• gift certificates to a restaurant you can enjoy together or to their favorite clothing store
• and my favorite — asking them out to celebrate the holiday combined with an opportunity for both of you to learn more about that holiday together

A gift that shows you listen to them, are learning about them, are paying attention to what they like, and which represents a token of your appreciation will suffice. By the way, always include a card that best illustrates that you “like them” instead of implying the other “L” word.

Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com | 704.651.8568

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Rick and Jo respond …

A gift can mean wildly different things to different people. Dr. Gary Chapman has written a great book titled The Five Love Languages. Each of us has a certain “language” we need to “hear” in order to feel loved, and receiving gifts is one of the five ways that humans experience love. So if your date’s preferred love language is “words of affirmation,” the most well-thought of gift will not convey the appreciation that you are wishing to convey!

Perhaps, the best gift that you can give someone is to “fill their love tank.” By learning the Five Love Languages you’ll be able to create a more powerful way of conveying your appreciation, be it through gifts, words, acts of service, quality time together or physical touch. In the meantime, if you are not quite ready to say, “I love you,” avoid red roses and diamond rings!

Rick and Jo Harrison | www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com | +61.3.5420.7366

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Hazel responds …

I used to feel, in the early days of dating, if a birthday or holiday came up during that time, that it was quite challenging to buy a gift. However, I discovered if I found out what their likes and dislikes were, there were many gifts I could buy that would not be perceived as inappropriate.

For instance, a beautiful paperweight for his/her desk or a letter opener engraved with their name works well. If they have an interest in a particular area, tickets to a game, movies or the theater might be appropriate. Or, perhaps a book in a genre they enjoy. I once received a lovely crystal dreidel for Chanukah from a date, and also a very pretty glass paperweight. My personal favorite is flowers. Just don’t buy red roses if you haven’t been dating very long.

Whatever gift you decide to give, remember that it doesn’t have to be something you like; it needs to be something the receiver will enjoy! It’s not about price or size; it’s about the thought you put into it. Whatever you buy in the early days of dating, if it doesn’t smack of romance, it probably won’t be taken the wrong way.

Hazel Palache | www.sayyestoyoucoaching.com

Tags: boomer dating, divorce, gratitude, holiday, new year

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