Ask Our Coaches: Secrets: What happened in the past, stays in the past – right?
Dear Coaches,
My wife is threatening to divorce me. She’s accusing me of having an affair with a woman at work – we’ll call her Kristen. It’s not true. I’ve been married for about a year and a half and we dated for two years prior. Before I met my wife, I did date Kristen for about a year, but that was several years before I even met my wife. Kristen is single and we’ve worked at the same company for the last 12 years.
I never told my wife about my dating Kristen, but somehow she found out. I don’t think I have to tell my wife everything I’ve done or am doing in my life. It had no bearing on my dating and marrying her. She’s accusing me of keeping secrets and is demanding I give her a rundown of my past. What’s the big deal? It’s not a secret. It’s just something I chose not to share because it’s irrelevant. I love my wife. I don’t have affairs and never would.
My question: What’s healthy for couples when it comes to their pasts? Is there anything wrong with keeping secrets from your partner? I’m not hurting her or me or anyone. And, I do resent the fact that she’s throwing this in my face as I’ve never asked her to give me the details on her past dating/sexual history. Any thoughts?
Scott from St. Paul
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Dr. Dar responds …
It must be very difficult to be accused of such a thing. Your wife feels threatened because she found this out from someone other than her husband, contributing to additional feelings of distrust.
Since, potentially, you are in contact with your ex at work, combined with your wife discovering the “secret,” her need to know everything about your past is exacerbated. One thing I know for sure is that in a marriage there shouldn’t be any secrets. Secrets are uncovered over time and the truth does come out. My husband and I have an agreement that the details of my past escapades before I met him are a topic that neither of us needs to discuss in detail. He knows that I had a lot of experience before I met him and I am very open with him.
Because I am not defensive and am open to sharing with him, he is not threatened. In your case, a secret was kept and discovered by her rather than you revealing it to her. She was blindsided, and now is reacting out of preservation, perhaps wanting to ensure that no more surprises occur.
You should compassionately listen to your wife. Reassure her by letting her know you love her and married her, that there is no one else but her, and answer her questions like an open book. Otherwise, you are sending signals that you have something to hide which will cause more conflict in the long run.
Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com | 704.651.8568
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Katherin responds …
Your question is one I hear frequently. When we fall in love with someone, we’re falling in love with who the person is right now. This includes all of their past successes and mistakes, their family of origin issues, and their past relationship experiences. All of our past experiences contribute to making each of us who we are today.
When we commit to a person, we are committing to accept all that came before us — all of it! It’s what made the person who they are today.
I don’t believe it’s necessary to tell everything about our past to our partner. What should be mentioned are those experiences that affect our partner, such as STDs, financial information, values, health history, etc. Going into detail about all of your past relationships and sexual encounters is not necessary, unless it affects your current partner.
Your wife’s reaction concerns me. I would invite you to get to the bottom of her issue surrounding Kristen. Your wife is expressing distrust in you. This is very damaging to your marriage and needs to be understood and resolved. My guess is her finding out about your previous relationship with Kristin has triggered something about her own past and trust issues.
And, be honest with yourself. Have you given your wife any reason to distrust you? Be open to discuss your wife’s reaction, and yours, to this problem. Get coaching help if necessary.
Katherin Scott | www.KatherinScott.com | 425.681.2620
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Rick and Jo respond …
We would all appreciate some sensitivity from our partner when they discuss their past. Put yourself in her shoes. If she had been dating someone in her office before you came along, and she had not disclosed this to you, would you not be a little bit jealous (honestly)? It’s the unsaid that creates the doubt in her mind. So if there is nothing to hide, don’t hide it. And, at the same time, don’t “rub her nose” in the details of it.
Rick and Jo Harrison | www.SecretstoSoulmateSuccess.com | +61.3.5420.7366
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Susan responds …
It sounds like your wife had some issues with betrayal in her past and that history is fueling her fears and her accusations. While there are several directions I could go to respond to your question, one way to approach this is to ask her about her history, hear her and continue to reassure her while she works to let go of all of it.
From my view, sharing helps bring couples closer and helps them understand one another. It may be irrelevant from your point of view, but to your wife, it may be important information. Women tend to be rather intuitive and even with the best of intentions from your end, your wife will likely intuit things, add her own fearful spin based on her history, and jump to conclusions.
Personal ownership is very important in a relationship and while your wife’s fears are her issue to heal, you can be a loving support while she goes through it. Compassion, sharing and reassuring from a calm and loving place will certainly help. Hiring a relationship coach can also help resolve the situation and create a deeper connection and better communication.
Susan Ortolano | www.RadiantPathways.com | 818.232.3186
Tags: distrust, having an affair, keeping secrets, sexual history, truth
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