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Written by Katherin Scott, MA

Most experts will tell you the number one most important skill in a good relationship is communication. Sometimes they tell you in hundreds and hundreds of pages. You don’t need to read hundreds and hundreds of pages.

There are really just a few things you need to do. Some of them are easy; others are more difficult to learn, and you’ll want to practice a lot. Be patient. Successful communication with your partner can transform your relationship. These are skills worth learning.

#1 – Open body language

The first step toward successful communication isn’t words, it’s posture. Relax your shoulders. Stop contracting your eyebrows. Lean slightly forward. Uncross your arms. Communicate with your body that you’re not angry or judging. You’re committed to hearing your partner and resolving your problems.

#2 – Responsive listening

When you’re having a conversation with your partner, you need to show that you’re paying attention. Maintain eye contact. Nod. Say “mm-hmm,” and “I understand.” Allow your partner time and space to say what he or she needs to say.

#3 – Say back what you hear.

Sometimes what you hear your partner say is not what he or she meant. You may get angry over something you heard, but it may not be what was said. Before you respond, make sure you’re both on the same page. Don’t say the exact words back because that doesn’t demonstrate whether you’ve really understood. Say what you heard in your own words. If that’s not what was meant, patiently talk it through until you both understand what’s being said.

#4 – Set aside a time to talk

With kids, jobs, housework, and other obligations, it can be hard to work through a whole conversation. Make sure you take the time to have a conversation without distractions.

#5 – Abandon sarcasm

Sarcasm ends open conversation. Always listen with an open mind, and if you disagree with something, say you disagree. Don’t say, “Oh, yeah, that’s true.” Say, “It hurts me that you said that. I don’t think you’re listening to me, and I’d really like you to hear what I’m trying to say.”

#6 – Focus on one thing at a time

If you’re trying to talk about getting the kids to school on time, don’t bring up the grocery problem. Don’t take your partner’s every failing to court every time you have a dispute.

#7 – Focus on actions

No matter how angry you get, don’t make the argument destructive. Talk about what your partner does, how you feel about it, and what you think needs to happen. Don’t turn what your partner does into who he or she is. “It’s really important to me that you show up on time. I really don’t like how late you get,” is a good way to put things. “You’re a lazy, procrastinating, inconsiderate slob,” is not.

#8 – Go to a relationship coach

Habits are hard to break. If you’ve been beating the same paths without positive results, it may be time to get outside help. Having an outside perspective can be invaluable.

Talking is a lot harder than it seems. Don’t feel bad if it seems you and your partner are speaking alien languages to each other. Most couples feel that way at one time or another. The main things are to stay calm, be patient, and focus on your love for each other. You’ll work things out.

Copyright © 2009 by Katherin Scott. All rights reserved in all media.

Katherin Scott, MA, is an internationally recognized authority on dating and attracting love. She coaches worldwide and regularly conducts seminars and workshops to help people empower themselves to find love and happiness. Katherin’s newest book is, ABC’s of Dating: Simple Strategies for Dating Success. www.KatherinScott.com

Tags: eye contact, open conversation, partner time, paying attention, posture

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