Written by Ann Robbins
Many of my clients come to me with a laundry list of things they are seeking in a relationship partner. I am frequently amazed at how easily they are able to recite this list of criteria, yet fail to look in the mirror and discover, or uncover, their areas of relationship competency and readiness.
“I want someone who is emotionally available, generous, kind, a good listener, caring, loving, attentive, honest,” and the list goes on and on. Yet, if I ask them what it is they bring to that future partner, the list is often shorter and (forgive me) distorted.
To bring reality and accountability to the matchmaking process, we often begin with a few coaching sessions. Here are a few tips to help you achieve the relationship happiness you deserve:
Define Your Ideal Relationship
This is an actual exercise, where you put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and identify your criteria for your ideal relationship. This is based on your requirements, needs, and wants. It is critical to the health of any relationship that your partner has very similar requirements and needs, otherwise the relationship has a high probability of failure.
Requirements VS Needs and Wants
Requirements are those non-negotiables that are so important to you that if missing, would cause you to walk away from a relationship. It is important to evaluate your requirements, and make a list of those things that are critically important to you -– things for which you will not settle.
For many people these include fidelity, trust, communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and authenticity. Typically, requirements are values based. In order for you to make a list of your requirements, you should begin by listing your top five to ten values. From there, think of what values you want your partner to have. Common values are what help sustain relationships over time.
Your needs are different than your requirements in that needs are negotiable. A need may be something like, “I need to know my partner finds me attractive.” How your partner shows you that you’re attractive to him is negotiable.
Wants are the “nice to have” things in relationships. They differ from requirements and needs in that they won’t make or break the relationship, and will not make you unhappy if not met.
Here’s a great way to remember the difference between requirements, needs, and wants.
Think of baking a cake. A cake requires certain ingredients in order to be a cake! Flour for example. No flour -– no cake. Non-negotiable.
A cake also requires heat and time for baking, however how much heat and how much time are negotiable. You can bake at 350° for 40 minutes, or bake at 325° for an hour. Therefore, these are needs. A cake also needs a pan for baking. But, it can be square, round, oblong, a layer cake, a sheet cake — all negotiable, and therefore, “needs.”
What flavor do you want? Chocolate? Vanilla? What about frosting? One piece or two? All very flexible and many options and choices, and therefore, “wants.”
When making your list of requirements, needs, and wants be sure your requirements truly are non-negotiable walk-away items. You should have no more than about ten. If your list is too long, that person probably does not exist. Your list of requirements should align with your values and the standards you’re willing to hold yourself to.
Understand that BOTH of You are Responsible
As co-creators of your relationship, both of you must take responsibility to enrich, deepen and nurture your relationship. This is a key step in achieving your life vision and ultimate happiness together. You are jointly accountable for the success, health, and longevity of your relationship. Both partners must be willing to take ownership for the relationship and its outcome.
Assess Your Core Relationship Competencies
The following tips, taken from Relationship Coaching Institute’s Coach Training Program, will help you draw from past experience with prior relationships, or if in a relationship now, make a fair and honest assessment of your current competencies in that relationship. Assess your level of proficiency as accurately and honestly as possible. You will then be able to uncover areas of strength as well as those that need attention.
1. Communicate Clearly and Honestly: Do you communicate positively and effectively? This includes deep listening, communicating from the heart, and positive negotiation skills. Do you listen actively, or are you thinking about what you want to say next? Are you authentic and do you speak with truth and love? Do you apply win/win negotiation when differences arise? Ineffective communication is one of the primary sources of relationship breakdown.
2. Know What You Need: We all have patterns of behavior in intimate relationships. It is important to understand the effects of your limiting beliefs on your adult relationship choices and behaviors. Do you have major wounds that play themselves out in conflict or areas of stress? Gaining these insights and sharing them with your partner will help both of you be better able to remain calm and aware when these issues arise.
3. Take Personal Ownership: Do you remain centered in the adult role? This is one of the most important relationship competencies. Many of us bring our angry child or inner critic to the relationship in times of conflict and stress. Examine how you behave under pressure and stress. You may be surprised.
4. Accept, Appreciate, and Manage Differences: My mother always told me, “Never fall in love with a man’s potential.” How right she was! It is critically important you are able to understand, respect, and work effectively with differences between you and your partner. Focus on the elements of the relationship that really matter, don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t make the mistake of trying to change someone to fit your idea of a perfect partner.
5. Nurture Love and Intimacy: Are you present in the relationship? Are you deeply connected to one another in ways that invite openness, trust and support? Are you able to express love and caring? Are you able to receive the love that is given by your partner? Understanding the importance of expressing gratitude, appreciation and love is key to a healthy relationship.
Many people find it easier to give love than to receive it. If this is the case for you, explore your prior love relationships and your limiting beliefs and ask yourself if you feel worthy of receiving love. If you don’t, please seek the help of a relationship coach or, at the very least, begin a self-help discovery process to allow yourself to believe you deserve a loving and functional relationship.
Set Goals for Improvement
The above relationship competencies are important to any healthy relationship. Certainly there are others, and assessing honestly where you stand is a great way to begin. Once you’ve done that, set goals for improvement, development and growth. No one’s perfect, but we all have a responsibility to be the best we can be, and bringing our best self into a relationship helps ensure success. No matter what, remember you’re worth it!
Ann Robbins is a Certified Professional Matchmaker and Relationship Coach and is owner and President of LifeWorks Matchmaking, LLC. She can be reached at 954.561.4498 or visit www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com.
Copyright © 2009 by Ann Robbins. All rights reserved in all media.
Tags: communication, emotion, gratitude, intimate relationship, trust
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